5 Ways Trying to Conceive Changes You
Are you trying to conceive?
How does the possibility of infertility make you feel?
As it is something that we can't really control, it is guaranteed that there are going to be some difficult feelings that come up around this. Be kind to yourself- physical, emotional and spiritual changes are to be expected....
1. Old wounds come forth
Becoming a mother was something I wanted so much all my life, to the point of having a fear of not being able to. I didn't feel good enough to be a mother- my body had failed me before, why wouldn't it fail me again.
The nightmares and memories that were triggered while my husband and I were trying to conceive were old, unprocessed trauma memories that were arising to be released.
At the time I thought it was so unfair and horrible to have to relive the pain and shame that I had thought was over. I realised that life seems unfair, but the stuff we go through can only make us stronger and more resilient, and therefore more able to cope with motherhood --- in whatever way that happens.
2. You realise it is not just something you "want"
It's not something that is as simple as I want it and I can't have it when it isn't happening for you.
It's not something that should be minimised with reassurances like "don't stress" either.
Awareness is so important here because the changes that it brings about within you can very possibly tip you into depression.
When my husband and I began trying to conceive, we were full of hope, believing it would happen straight away. We were physically, emotionally and financially ready. Little did we know we would find out so much about ourselves and each other on this deep, loving journey together.
It is such an emotional roller-coaster where you see the most vulnerable parts of each other.
You are in a position where it is essential to be there for one another and the only way out is through. Stand together and inevitably, your strains will become your strengths.
3. Irregular cycles are so distressing
It took exactly five weeks before I bled at all on my first month off the pill and at the time I felt positive. I thought hey my body works, cool, we've got this.
I used an Ovulation Prediction Kit and my first cycle was spot on! Unfortunately I was left disheartened and wondering how it could have possibly gone wrong on the day my period came
the following month.
Friends and family said "never mind, most people take a couple of cycles to conceive"; or told us stories about how long a friend of theirs tried for (which didn't make us feel any better about our situation, rather sympathy for their friend and not to mention frustration at having to wait at all).
But it got more difficult. My cycles suddenly became irregular which made me worry. I would also start crying when I got my period no matter where I was or who I was with which I found embarrassing.
They became more regulated over time, though still longer than they used to be.
4. You try everything !
After both doing all the possible fertility tests and finding out there were no problems with our anatomy I should have felt fine and relaxed, but I didn't. It was not through lack of trying. I knew I couldn't wait and do nothing. I was taking every action possible before medical intervention.
At first, I kept telling myself next time. And I focused on things I thought I'd enjoy like enrolling into short courses for fun. Instead of fun it was pressure and more triggers with classmates who were pregnant or talking about their young children.
Most of the time I would want to be around only two types of people.
a) those who hated kids- the ultimate distraction or
b) other women who had endeavored the longer-than-comfortable journey towards conception
It became a battle to stay afloat. I tried a million different meditations and relaxation exercises. I tried healthy fertility enhancing exercises and diets. As for the 10 different things I picked up so I wouldn't think about trying, I dropped half, fumbled around with the other half and then threw most of it away for what was truly important to me (which only became clear through the haze of sadness each failing month brought about).
Then came Chinese medicine. It just felt good to be doing SOMETHING. Anything proactive so that I could get pregnant!
5. Faith is the light at the end of the tunnel
Though still not pregnant, it doesn't necessarily mean I never will be. Not being a mother now doesn't mean I won't be a mum in the future in some way. I believe that the wisdom that created me knows the best time and way for this to happen for me specifically.
In the same way everything has happened in the past, the hard work and dedication comes from within, while the actual manifestation comes from the universe in such a way that when we look back at what we've gained due to our biggest hardships and loses, it all makes sense. It all seems perfect somehow.
I have gone from idealist to realist, materialist to minimalist, excited to indifferent, enthusiastic to uninspired, " I'm clucky" to "you're lucky" resentful. It is okay though because I am human.
I think the most important thing to remember is to take time for yourself and what you truly love so that you can easily appreciate the you that is here and what (and who!) you have in your life right now.
How has TTC changed you?