Fake Nails & Fertility Drugs
Lately, I’ve consciously made choices that in the past I never thought I’d make. I used to hold high expectations for myself and beat myself up or hide away if I ‘failed’ said expectations. I wanted so badly to be accepted, to be normal, to be enough. Endlessly I searched for external BS to make me happy, to make me feel that inner peace and wholeness I yearned for so desperately.
One of those expectations was to be healthy, natural and conscious.
I expected that if I could get pregnant without assisted reproduction that it would mean my body works, despite all the damage done to my womb at a young age. Besides, I didn’t believe in fake shit.
I did all the “right” things - found my perfect man, bought a house, got married, started trying and.... nothing. I was convinced something was wrong. It had to be.... But after all the tests, they came back to say nothing is wrong, it was “unexplained infertility”. We were prescribed clomid, progesterone and a tracking cycle which my husband was glad about, but I put it off. I wanted to try naturally for three more months with my new found pelvic relaxation techniques and herbs.
I was devastated when I hit the end of the timeline I had set for myself to get pregnant naturally by. I smashed and kicked and threw shit, screamed, ranted about the unfairness of life to my husband & sister and cried for two days. I cried myself to sleep, cried on the bathroom floor, in the shower, everywhere.
At this point, I was grieving the loss of an expectation and belief about myself. It was messy and liberating.
I decided I’d stick to my word and we’d try fertility treatment. It’s not nice or fun, but I’m giving it a chance.
Half way through now I’ve had this realisation...
That it doesn’t matter. That I am okay.
The pressure of timelines and achievements used to rule my life...
Now, I don’t care. I’m letting go (again).
I’m realising that I don’t have to justify myself to anyone and that it is okay to change my mind.
I’m realising that I can do what I feel like doing (using my wisdom and that "inner pull” as my guide) and live and serve in my own way.
I’m realising that there’s a place for everything, and I’m not a hypocrite for believing in natural health but choosing to accept medical intervention (and fake nails) into my life right now.
I’m realising that it actually doesn’t matter or affect me what others think of me and my choices as long as I look after myself first and do what I know is right in my heart.
I’m letting go of the need to be right and get it right all the time. I’m making choices that are right for me right now with the understanding that all things change except true love. If I can stay true to myself then I can trust the flow of life and know that there are no mistakes or wrongs, only lessons... and I’m grateful for the lessons.