There I was

Trying to run away again.

My ears had been aching as of you say “you’re not listening!”

My jaw clenched tight every night causing immense pain in my gums.

My entire face hurting as if to let me know there’s something I’m holding on to.

There’s something a part of me refused to let go.

I felt myself regressing to a childhood memory of abuse.

My angry inner child started to scream

“GET OUT”

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM”

I cried in wails.

Tears streamed my face for hours.

And it was half past 3am when the sobs became deep breaths and a sense of relief.

I felt sad for myself who’d been carrying that around for so long.

It had been manifesting itself in a major pattern I had noticed and was placing my attention on to change.

I’m sick of running away.

I’m sick of overloading myself with distractions so I don’t have the space to feel what’s there.

In putting my attention on creating space and then observing as I filled my days with things, things, things. I got sick. My body saying STOP. My body saying that there’s something here needing my love. A little girl who is hurting.

I told her she is safe. He’s gone. No more. Never again will anyone hurt you. No more, never again. I’m here. I love you. I’ve got you. You’re okay...

Our bodies hold on to the words we never said, the tears we never cried and the hurt we never expressed when we wanted to. Until we feel safe and loved enough to feel and express them, they wait. They cause symptoms in our body, and symptoms in our lives to tell us to look, but only when they know we are ready to handle it.

I was finally ready to hear what my angry inner child needed to say and finally had the resources to give he the comfort she craved.

Because I have been building a strong foundation by making healthy lifestyle choices, I have become strong enough an adult to hold space for my frightened, hurt inner child. She knew she could come to me.

She knew I’d show her the unconditional love she needed.

She knew I wouldn’t harm her or further abuse her.

She knew I’d help her, so she came.

And even though I had a terrible nights sleep, my future nights will be better than ever because I know I’m safe and loved.

I know I’m home.