The Sometimes Bleak, Sometimes Magic Reality of Life - A Journal Extract
"Maybe I haven’t been dealing so well. I’ve been avoiding, cutting off, numbing. I’ve noticed how hard it is to do the cleaning which normally is such a free joyful thing. Life in general is hard. I think I’m coping as best as I can but I worry that I’m not 100% healed, so how can I help others? I suppose NOBODY is 100% healed, normal, etc and maybe that’s what makes us so relate-able. People can see themselves in us, the sometimes great, other times fucked states of being human and shit.
But why do we all only want to show our good side?
Why do we all want to feel that we are doing this great service by showing our good bits?
Maybe it’d be refreshing to see someone’s struggle and just have them share their day to day life with us. Hey, we’re all here on this journey of life together anyway. Can we not be real?
God, it would be so nice to feel calm. Yoga does it I guess, gets us as calm as possible between the storm winds and magic of life. Life is so unpredictable. I never knew I’d be sitting here struggling to conceive – I mean after EVERYTHING else. It’s GOT to happen sometime right? Sometimes I just feel so alone. It’s a process to come to terms with and it’s certainly extremely difficult.
I even feel shame along with the disappointment, jealousy, frustration and sorrow.
I don’t think I smile half as much as I used to. Am I supposed to keep smiling like nothing phases me? It just feels SO fake now. I’m more real a person now. I’m not holding it all together anymore like I used to. I’m not pretending I’m fine and counting my blessings and holding them on a pedestal and praising them like heaven-sent treasures anymore. I’m more this reality type person now. I still like to be an idealist, but that’s kind of fading. Maybe I’m a dreamer. Do you blame me?
I’m sick of bullshit sayings like:
"What happens to you happens for you"… I’m not buying into that shit. The way I see it is this…
SHIT happens to us because of reality. PEOPLE FAIL and then SHIT HAPPENS. Now we get to EITHER make something out of that shit, or we can wallow and drown in it. That’s about it. Sad truth, move through it. Wade through, crawl through, splash through, however the fuck you need to do it to eventually reach the point of getting out and having a shower.
I’m not going to make it a shiny, sparkly picture, because it really fucking is not. It’s a dirty, messy whole. I will say there is beauty that comes from it though (you know those mud spas that are hell good for your skin- so cool you get nice skin now – there’s your shiny fuckin' picture).
The point is, I just don’t think it’s helpful to pretend anything – to pretend we are fine, to pretend we know what to say/do, to pretend we’re amazingly happy and successful. It’s false hope. There’s no magic to success, (WTF is success anyway? - It's what YOU define it as, so of course it's attainable) it is the dedication to keep putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of where you want to get to. It’s the willpower and strength to keep on keeping on. It’s about looking at yourself, not the next person. It's being with yourself in the way that others weren’t. (whether they should have been or not is irrelevant). It’s our shit to deal with now. So take it and go with it. It’s okay to stand still sometimes. Do what your body says because you know better than anyone else what works for you and what works for you IS your path.
Happy Mud Bath <3"
I wanted to share this journal extract with you because of it's raw, realness. I think we need more of that in the world. We need to relate to each other. We need to see that everyone has their pitfalls and bad days - and that they can also create success and meaning and happiness. It's not about what you make, it's how you make it.
