“You’re ugly, you should go kill yourself”
I was 14, and in the May of that year, my abuser had been arrested and jailed as I had finally disclosed what happened to me to the school.
I remember sitting in my year nine math class and the boy in front of me telling me that I was ugly and should kill myself.
Maybe it was some kind of sick joke.
But I remember it clear as day because he’d hit a nerve - deep down I believed him.
I started self harming this same year after being dumped.
It was one of the hardest years of my life. I’d never felt more unseen, unheard, and like I didn’t belong.
I wish I could say that things got better but I self harmed in more ways than one for the next few years.
I was looking for attention. I was looking for someone to really see me and tell me that I was enough. But even if people told me nice things, I couldn’t receive it. I couldn’t really feel love because I hated myself inside.
It hurt so much I wanted it to stop.
I felt so awful and burdensome that I thought it would be better if I did not exist.
Nobody wanted to hear about my experience and truly hold space for me, but I was given love when I held it for others so I got good at that. I shut off the parts of me I thought were too much. I walked around with a smile on my face, so bubbly, because people seemed to like the surface me. Anytime I tried to share what I felt I was shut down, the subject changed, or made to feel guilty and responsible for others emotions and reactions.
But along the way I met angels. At least one in every situation... one teacher, and the chaplain at school, a friend here and there that guided me to the exact thing I needed. Piece by piece, choice by choice, I moved towards what I wanted and away from what I didn’t. One day, I decided I would raise my standards. I was tired of being treated less than worthy by others. And this time my mum showed up as an angel, and encouraged me to choose myself. I needed her support in that way that day. It gave me what I needed to make a leap.
When I finally allowed myself to feel and receive love I must’ve been ready, because a massive depression took hold of me. I finally had the space and love to be seen, heard and accepted by someone. This is when my healing really began. This is when I finally started to feel like I could be worthy and belong. My second chance at life. And in a couple of years, I’d found my way through the worst of it, only stronger and better as time went on with a multitude of tools under my belt to draw from that built my capacity to cope with life’s challenges. I learned something really important about relationships, through my relationship - the importance of deep listening. There is a transformation that comes from being heard that cannot be underestimated. When the soul is finally seen and emotions are free to be, true liberation takes place.
There is nothing too large or too small about what is on your heart that doesn’t deserve to be seen and understood. Not just the hard things but the beautiful things too, it is all welcome, and it all deserves the space to be witnessed with love.
Would you like support on your journey?
I’d love to support you through deep listening, powerful questions, accountability and loving encouragement for your next big transition.
As an embodiment and empowerment coach, I help people balance the polarity of their lives and find flow, joy, and sensual freedom along the way.
For more about coaching with me, read this.
If this blog has brought up any feelings you'd like help to process, here is a list of helplines and organisations for Australia.
I love you, I’m here, you’ve got this!