Stop, Look & Listen Baby
The past couple of years have been difficult for me. For a long time I haven't felt like "myself" as I have undergone massive shifts and lived in a constant state of vulnerability. Here today, I can feel myself coming back... the part of me that never really left... the part of me that was swamped under thoughts like: How long is this negative shit going to take to be over? How long til I don't feel like this anymore? I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I tried to be okay with all the ups and downs but I needed to be SEEN and HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. I needed to be validated for the way I was feeling. I needed the right environment, someone to hold space for me to spread my wings and breathe.
It was unexpected when it came, the maid of honour at my friend's wedding came to me to share a message. To feel the fire in my belly, to focus on my marriage and enjoy the moment because he is coming. My baby IS coming. Just not yet. Time. Not ready yet.
I cried so much. I couldn't fight the multitude of tears that cascaded down my makeup covered face as she wiped them away repeating the message... fire in your belly, he is coming, fire in your belly.
Every month until that moment had been a roller coaster, I had been WAITING. Longing and yearning for a baby to come into our lives. I often pondered what the deeper longing was for, logic telling me that I wanted unconditional love. As crazy as it may sound, my biggest passion is also my biggest lesson.
I Listened to a Tony Robbins YouTube talk about how what we want for our lives, the reality of how our lives are, whether there is a gap and whether we feel we can change it or not determines whether we'll be happy, stressed or depressed as fuck... and I was in the depressed as fuck category. I wanted our baby to come and it wasn't happening no matter what we did. I felt helpless. Devastated. Alone.
My husband said the worst part is that all these tears and fears will mean nothing when it comes and that's the worst part. I think he is right... I woke up to a new perspective the next day (and a huge feeling of relief that I finally felt okay). I realised that I really don't want to spend these young years of our life (that we will never get back) needlessly worrying about something I can't control. Because if it really is going to happen one day and we both believe that, why worry? Why add so much strain, pressure and stress to our lives? Why not enjoy this time right here?
I've been afraid that I'd run out of time for all my family members to meet our future kids, scared I'd lose my grandparents before they were great grandparents to my babies. It came from this belief that kids would somehow make me worthy as a person. Who knew I felt so shit about myself? In voicing this to my love, he assured me of my worth regardless and bond with my nanna that will never change.
Most of all I've been afraid that I'd let go and it would happen (I have never been great with surprises - the suspense kills me)... but maybe that's how it has to be. I just know that I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to. I am ready to free myself from the burden of this desire. I am happy now. I have a beautiful husband, a wonderful home, great health, loving friends and family, gorgeous pets. I am safe. Everything is OKAY.
Maybe there will still be days where a big belly will break my heart, but there will also be days I hear a screaming child and take a sigh of relief that I'm not their mum. Life is just too short to waste on negativity. Love is too beautiful. I've had enough. The most self loving and honouring thing I can do right now is let the fuck go and smile.