Loving my body after birth
Pregnancy brought so many changes to my body and I felt myself embracing it all.
After years of hating my belly, endlessly struggling with bloating, wishing that my pregnant-looking belly would either be pregnant or go the fuck away, pregnancy was a welcome change.
I embraced my growing belly. For the first time in my life I admired the arch from my ribs to my pelvis, knowing that underneath the surface it was nurturing my baby.
This baby I longed for.
This baby I waited and worked for.
This baby I didn’t know would ever come.
This baby was here now inside me.
Safe to say, I loved being pregnant!
I felt at ease with my body and walked with pride and joy.
I looked forward to meeting my angel in human form, entertaining fantasies of things like his laugh and learning to crawl.
I took care of my body, nourishing myself with hearty whole foods and gentle prenatal yoga.
Finally, my prayer had been answered.
Nothing could have prepared me for labour. No amount of research, birth stories, hypnobirthing, videos, podcasts or books could have prepared me for what was to come.
I couldn’t have imagined the pain and intensity of those hours. I couldn’t have fathomed how hard my body would work and how exhausted and relieved I’d be when he arrived. Holy fucking wow.
I didn’t know a part of me would die and be reborn as I birthed him. Each push taking every ounce of my strength. As my vagina was stretched to its limits, so was I, stretching all the way to my core as if to accomodate the new mother I was birthing within myself.
Those six weeks postpartum felt like a huge adjustment to this new me. As my hormones regulated to make me a breastfeeding mother, I found myself in the midst of unrelenting anxiety. Is he still breathing? Is he too hot? Is (insert person holding baby) going to drop him?
I was tired, teary, emotional and in ever growing love.
The next few weeks brought immense happiness and love. A new way of living. One that does not fall into schedules or allow space for deadlines and timelines. Those are the way of the patriarchy. This right here is all woman, all feminine and flow.
Here is where I get to create my version of grace in each moment. The ebbs and flows and everything in between are all moments that I have no choice but to be present with.
In full presence I am in tune with my body. In this presence the only option is to keep on moving forward. There is no time for fussing over small things. In not fussing, I find the flow of life and my body even more.
I digest life in the same way my body digests food. There is no room for holding on to worries, therefore there is no more bloating. My body merely reflects the state of my mind... getting stronger and more refined every day, with each moment that I choose to nourish.