How Survivors Keep on Surviving
Do you ever feel like you're in a constant state of swing between who you are, who you want to be and who you "should" be?
I believe we all do and that this is where the negative beliefs play up. On one day we are this awesome motivated person who just smashes through life with an untouchable energy. The next day anxiety leaves your mind in one place and your body in another - and it doesn't go unnoticed - which makes you feel excruciatingly uncomfortable with yourself (not a good mix with depression) Well, that happened to me today. I pulled out on someone in my car, and was given a death stare.
So.... Some might think "whatever", but if you've been abused then you'll know straight away that this simple, unforgiving look is a trigger.
It's the look that tells you those familiar words: "Look what you've done; You piece of shit; Stupid bitch; Waste of space!"
It's the look that precedes a beating.
It's the look that sends shudders down your spine knowing he's going to "punish" you later on tonight. All of which leads you on a downward spiral of self blame and shame. The feeling in your body tells you before you even know you've been triggered.
It's the sudden drop in your stomach before words come to your mind. The breath stopping, the heart jumping, heat rising, and rage filling your bones that can be dangerous if not released safely... And those negative punishing words that attack you before you have time to be aware of what's happening. Hey, then you might go check out social media because you don't have anyone to talk to and then see all these amazing people doing life better than you. And you wonder if it's true that you're no good. And you wonder whether you should bother trying to get somewhere. And you don't wanna talk about the past right now. You just wanted to get away from it.
Next thing you know your journalling that which will later become a blog. And you feel proud for just a moment.... and you start to choose happiness... and you start to receive kindness... And you think to yourself maybe life is worth living....
Later on you will KNOW it is worth living. Because that's how you roll. It's the sometimes tiring, tedious cycles of healing... the worst is over now.