Compassion VS Self Sabotage
Self sabotage is a sneaky thing. The cheekiest way it hides is by disguising itself as something noble. For instance, the burn of empathy when you just know how it feels. You see two people in conversation and you can feel their emotions so deeply. You know you would never speak to someone the way A speaks to B, because you know how it feels to be them. You feel with them and empathize. It feels so awful to see B that way because it takes you right back to that old time when you felt so alone, isolated and rejected. You remember it so well that the thought of that happening to someone else is enough to make your heart ache. You despise the situation but you don't feel anger towards A. You can understand their reaction too! (Or maybe you felt especially angry at A for their complete lack of giving a shit about another being). Mostly you just feel pain and sadness. Maybe it isn't even their pain. Maybe all along it was yours. Maybe all along it was a physical reminder of your horrific past and the things that happened to re traumatize you since (the way people treated you when they didn't understand) and that's not a bad thing. It's just the truth being shown to you through experiences. maybe you haven't quite processed how it made you feel when people kept leaving you alone with it. How heavy it was to hold it all yourself…. So used to holding it, that when someone else seemingly felt bad, you carried it for them too. You put your hand out and felt all their wounds. The wounds that could be just like yours. The wounds you don't know about and may never know. The wounds that may not even exist. And it makes you so tired. And you feel like a magnet for negativity. Somehow lost in this feeling. This compassion. Distorted compassion. The kind where you believe others needs are more important than your own. Wearing yourself out with the burden of this belief. This lie. You feel resentment that no one cares about you the way you care for them when you're so run down by the burden. You feel jealous at people who don't care about people being valued. Your own needs and desires have been so blatantly ignored by you. You have forgotten that giving automatically comes from a full cup and that you already are innately loving and lovable. You think you have to earn love. The old slippery slope. In truth, Love is what we are. The ones we think we are jealous of are probably the ones who've learned to love themselves first. To be the love they are…. So my advice, from someone who's been there... Start to accept yourself. The parts you love and the bits you don't like.